The Perfect Catalyst

Philippians 4 verse 6 and 7

 

I am struggling as a parent in a very specific area.  I am praying, I am seeking, I am IMG_3753 copy 2reading, I am trying desperately to get out of God’s way so I can become the parent He needs me to be.  God gave me a child very different from myself, my sweet and adorable Krash.  I have known how different he is from me since early on.  He has always been our wild child, our funny one, our overly adorable and cute one.  He is daring, loud, exciting, adventurous, hyper, loving, intense, hilarious, determined, extreme, caring, energetic, bold, and courageous. He is what some would call all boy.  I can’t count how many times the phrase “he’s lucky he’s so cute” has been said by someone!

I am an only child, and a girl.  Having 2 boys first in our line up of 3 children has knocked me clear out of my comfort zone.  Honestly having more than one child has done it to me too.  I grew up in a very quiet home, being the only one – the noise, if any, came from me!  With 3 kids, the noise is intense and with Krash thrown in-it goes beyond intense.  PacMan is a quieter person overall,  and he and I have come a long way regarding his behavior and strong will.  He is much more like me in personality so even though we but heads, I understand him more since we are more similar.  Ladybug is me in almost every way possible.  She is difficult and extremely dramatic, but I get her.  Then there’s my Krash, the one who throws me off in a way I never imagined.  He is where my deepest prayers are centered right now.

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I struggle with anxiety, which is triggered greatly by noise, transition, and unexpected things.  Krash is all of those rolled up into one.  He is very intense and unpredictable and will throw me off in a split second.  I react to him in ways I wish I wouldn’t.  I damage his little spirit, I know I do.  That’s why I am writing, putting it out there, typing through the feelings inside of me in hopes that somehow this can be a part of my healing.

I know the right answers, I even counsel other parents at times who have kids like him.  It is much easier to know the right things, I am trying to DO them and really struggling.  I know what damages him, I know that things I say must make him feel like there is something wrong with his intense little spirit.  I know God created him to be this way and that he is awesome…I just can’t figure out how to stop getting my buttons pushed.  My immaturity in my responses to him just overwhelms me at times.  How could I possibly have just reacted the way I did?  How can I let those words come out of my mouth?  If I heard another mom speaking that way to her child I would be sad. Those thoughts and more just replay in mind all of the time. IMG_3827 copy

I vow to change, I commit to speak gently and to watch my tone, to be more patient.  I fail, I fail, I fail.  Honestly I am just so tired of failing in such an important area of life-raising my precious son.  He deserves so much more.  Truth is, he is an awesome kid.  He is SO much fun, so energetic, so funny, and enjoyable.  The core of who he is is a person I really truly like, not just love – I really like him.

Lately, I haven’t been liking him as much because I am letting my emotions get in the way.  He has been struggling with the grumpies lately and overreacting about just about everything.  He has little fits and he moans, and sighs a LOT.  He shows negative behaviors that are a bit out of character for his normally happy self, and I am seeing selfishness step in and pull him away. 

IMG_0573As our middle child, I am also seeing him struggle to find his place, struggle to find his time.  Ladybug gets lots of one on one time being the youngest.  Pac gets a lot of one on one time naturally since he is much older.  Krash struggles to fit into this and even though I try and am aware of this need to pour into him – I fail. The oldest and the youngest naturally get more attention.

So, where does this leave me?  It leaves me on my knees.  I am no where near where I desire to be as a parent of this child.  I have so much growth left to do, and I am not giving up.  Currently I am re-reading a book {Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child} I read when Pac was young and going through a very strong willed couple of years {major success with that kid I tell ya}. I remember highlighting portions when I was reading it years ago, and the reason was very different.  I am finding the same portions hitting me in the heart again and praying to be molded into a more Godly parent.  Recently I Instagram-ed {I am 1plus1plus1 on Instagram} this…

I need this child, God gave him to me on purpose.  I usually think of that in regards to God never giving me more than I can handle, and knowing that I am the right parent for him…but thinking of it this way is way more humbling.  It isn’t just about me dealing with Krash, it is about God using Krash to mold my character and help me become more like Christ. 

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Lord, use this awesome child of yours to make me more like you.  As I strive to not worry about this and pray about it, while trusting in your promise to bring me peace beyond all understanding, {Philippians 4:6-7} I thank you Lord in advance for your work in me, and ask you to continue to work more and more in my heart and mind.

Do you have a perfect catalyst to bring you opportunities to develop more Godly character?

Just Me & a few struggles

Psalm 37 verse 4

My blog is filled with practical ideas for homeschooling.  Free printables, loads of toddler teaching ideas, even glimpses into our daily homeschool life.

Occasionally I get personal, like when I was struggling with a difficult pregnancy, or when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  The personal side of me isn’t shared often, and I am praying about changing that.  I am seeking the will of God for His direction and asking for wisdom in how to share more of ME with YOU.  I began to feel called to do more of this many months ago, I have just been praying about it.  I still don’t have an entirely clear direction and have no idea if this will be one post or a regular thing.  Depends where God leads me.  For now, He has led me here, today.

I hope to offer you more of a glimpse into who I am ~ the wife, the mom, the Christian, the inner city missionary, the friend, the girl.  I receive many emails from readers asking for this, wanting to know more of the woman behind the teaching blog.  I desire to bring this to you as God leads.

I thought I would begin by sharing a simple top ten list. The top 10 areas I struggle most with. 

Sometimes knowing a person’s areas of struggle can give you the clearest window into their heart.  My struggles are my biggest prayers, my most passionate pleas to the Lord.  I pray daily for most of these things and many of them I am desperately seeking to change.


In no particular order, here are my struggles and a bit of my heart behind each one.
  • losing it ~ I often lose it.  For me losing it can mean raising my voice, losing my cool, all out yelling, or just bottled up frustration that doesn’t come out in the best way.  I struggle with self control in this area and unfortunately my precious children suffer because of my sinful nature.  I pray THE MOST about this one. {Awesome book I have read and need to read over and over again: Good and Angry}
  • exercise ~ For this season of life, I just can’t fit it in.  I was never a fanatic but usually much more regular with it.  For now I am at peace with it being a very low exercise period in life, but I don’t like that and I would really love to tone up.  I need sleep and when I tried to fit it in and sacrificed sleep-I was a miserable mess.  It just wasn’t worth it. 
  • being a better friend ~ I am not a natural friend to many.  I take a long time to get close to someone and then I only tend to have a few really close friendships.  I get overwhelmed easily and I feel bad about my tendencies to only focus on the few friends rather than the many that I do have.  I know I can’t do it all, but my heart is burdened for the many friends I don’t talk to enough.
  • being a hermit ~ I am a homebody and for many reasons this is a good thing {e.g., homeschooling}.  But, I tend to hide out if possible and miss social events due to anxiety.  I would much rather be in my own home than anywhere else.
  • hospitality ~  Surprisingly, I struggle in the are of hospitality.  You’d think it would be a gift since I love being in my own home so much! I DO enjoy having people over, being a wonderful hostess just isn’t natural for me, I really have to work at it!
  • checking out ~ When I get overwhelmed with life I just check out.  Mostly mentally, I can lose myself in a cleaning project or something else just to get away from my actual life.  My kids suffer from my tendencies to do this.  I have learned to fight this for the most part, but it is still an ongoing struggle.
  • anxiety ~  This is a biggie for me, which I am sure comes as no surprise after reading a few of the above items.  My anxiety is triggered by a few things, unfortunately most of them coming from my own children.  Noise, feeling smothered {either literally or in proximity}, clutter/messes, and many things happening at once {phone rings, doorbell dings, child cries, siblings fight}.  Most of this is simply daily life with 3 homeschooled children.  It is a constant battle for me.  My anxiety often causes me to check out and lose it , as mentioned above!
  • personal Bible reading ~  I pray constantly, but sitting to read my Bible, alone is my current struggle.  We read the Bible daily together as a family, I read to the kids, and I read as I teach Sunday School and Children’s Church.  BUT, on my own Bible reading doesn’t always happen.  Recently I chose a simple reading plan in my YOU version Bible on my iPad and have followed it almost everyday.  Hopefully it will stick.
  • email, phone calls, mail ~ I struggle majorly with these areas of communication.  I am always behind on answering emails, phone calls, and writing any needed snail mail. Since my blog began to grow and I gained a blog email inbox in addition to that growth, the problem has only become more difficult.  I know there is only one me and I cannot answer every email or call, but I often forget the ones that I NEED to answer-like from my mom. I harbor much guilt in this area also, I hate leaving anyone hanging.
  • cooking, baking ~ My husband is the dinner cook, which works well for our family.  That part isn’t a struggle ~ it is a blessing!  Where I struggle is more in the area of doing fun cooking with my kids and for my family.  Making cookies, baking bread, making muffins, etc.  I desperately wish this was a natural gift of mine, but it is not.  I still pray for God to drop this gift in my lap.

There you have it, the top 10 struggles for me at the moment.  I trust God when He says that if I delight in HIM, He will give me the desires of my heart {link goes to the song we love}.  I pray that I will continue to delight more in Him, that the desires of my heart will be His.

    Do you struggle in any of the same ways I listed above?